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With the holiday season now past, I am sure some of you out there may have the urge to go out and spend the copious amounts of money and gift cards you received as gifts from your loved ones. Sometimes, however, actually deciding on what to buy can be the most daunting of tasks. In order to help our dear readers with this decision, I have thrown on my journalism hat and gone out into the field of consumerism to help YOU know what items in your local gaming store should be avoided like the black plague.
THE GUIDE TO PERIPHERALS AND ADD-ONS TO AVOID
I recently went to my local GameStop in Southern Ohio to suss out what gaming peripherals or bonus items should just absolutely be left on the shelves, with help from a game advisor at the store (whom has asked to remain anonymous in name, therefore I will refer to him as "Jeremy"). With this addendum out of the way, allow me to take all of you on a journey into the awful.
ITEM ONE – MATTHEW'S BOWHUNTING FOR THE NINTENDO WII
Our first item to avoid falls into the category of "useless piece of plastic that is a glorified controller holder." An item like this comes as no surprise since these plastic attachments run the gamut from plastic tennis racket to chintzy plastic light saber. You may wonder why I bother including this fake bow if it is merely another in a long line of useless plastic. I include the bow due to the fact that I found it absolutely ridiculous that the biggest advertised feature of the peripheral is that the bow itself is two feet long. This sounds as if this has some sort of dramatic impact on how efficiently you kill poorly rendered deer with sloppy motion controls.
But who am I to judge? For all I know some child out there received this on Christmas day, face all aglow, and immediately jumped for joy at his fake plastic bow controller.
Yikes — poor kid. Let's move on.
ITEM TWO – HKS RACING CONTROLLER BY INTERWORKS UNLIMITED FOR PLAYSTATION 3
Jeremy brought this piece of controller alchemy to my attention after I asked him if GameStop had any overly redundant controllers for sale. I originally had a picture that I took myself, but the controller needs to be seen in detail to truly appreciate the beauty and — oh, who am I kidding? This controller makes zero sense. First off, what in the name of Joan Crawford is that thing in place of where the directional bad typically goes? Do you steer with it? Do you fight crime? I honestly have no clue, so if someone can explain to me why Interworks felt a need to make the Xbox 360 controller look comfortable by comparison, please drop me a line and fill me in.
Our carnival of the confusing will now continue onward.
ITEM THREE – BABYSITTING MAMA GAME AND BABY PERIPHERAL BY MAJESCO FOR NINTENDO WII
For the love of… what are we trying to do to our kids?
This particular GameStop had this abortion of a controller peripheral on top of the various stands and displays throughout the store. While I am sure this product seemed like a great idea to the developer at the time (and really, what DOESN'T sound like a good idea after enough alcohol?), I really have to call the judgment of Majesco into question for making a baby controller that you shake.
Why does "Jeremy" look so sad? Let me tell you why: the guitar peripheral that comes with Power Gig:Rise of the Sixstring is terrible. That is why. See what you did, Seven54 Studios? You made the GameStop employee cry. Happy now?
The reason for being upset is because "Jeremy" happens to be an avid guitar player, and was actually excited to break open the controller and try out what was advertised as a real guitar. As it turns out, this controller can really only be considered a real guitar if you happen to be eight years old or a midget. The frets are barely usable and the guitar does not even come tuned. In fact, there isn't even a guide or insert to instruct one on how to tune the guitar.
Thought that my previous items were horrifying? I saved the best for last, gentle reader.
ITEM FIVE – RECORD OF THE AGAREST WAR COLLECTORS EDITION BY SKSYS FOR XBOX 360
Your eyes do not deceive you. That is indeed a girl with a sausage in her mouth and a girl in bondage right on the box of this game. I am not sure what I could really say or mock about this game that I cannot do just as well with pictures.
Yes, that is correct: the collector's edition comes with not only a sensual "3D" mouse pad, but also a yearning pillowcase. What could these items POSSIBLY look like? Well, you're in luck….
This is the aforementioned pillowcase and mousepad. Keep in mind that the "3D" part of the mousepad would be… the… um… chest area.
You may wonder why this game comes with these items. The explanation is that the game not only falls under the genre of tactics RPG, but also that of dating sim! Ah, everything now makes sense. Night is day, black is white and dogs and cats are getting along in perfect harmony!
Thank you, Japan. Thank you for providing the rest of the world with the comedic relief we all need in these troubling times. As for the rest of these items, I am sure that no gamer in their right mind would ever purchase these products. The problem, however, is when Grandma Ettie wanders into her local gaming shop looking for a present for Timmy and decides that one of these gems are the perfect present.
Every time this happens, I die a little inside.
Stay informed. After all, knowing is half the battle.
Originally posted on www.digitalhippos.com