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Along the years — especially in our current era — women have managed to be respected and listened in practically every subject; nowadays, it has become pretty common to see them participating in different social, political, and sports events.
What about videogames? Our hobby has only three decades of being an entertainment mainly meant for men, and it’s not a long time if — for example — we compare it with the centuries that had to elapse before women were allowed to sign into a sportive competition.
Nowadays, videogames offer a fair competition ground that gives no physical advantage to anyone: constitution, height, weight, and — of course — gender; having said that, we could think that women shouldn’t have any problem sharing this hobby with us – men. But, are we really helping them along the way?
Coming up next, I’ll introduce you a disturbing list of seven steps by someone, who (just like many others) thinks that he has managed to develop the perfect way to get gamer girls into his friend list.
Just reading this guide takes you one step closer to get this achievement.
Greetings, my good Xbox Live pal, you can call me Mike, and you have surely heard that rumor about gamer girls playing your favorite games online.
You know, there are those who swear that they have heard a gamer girl over their headset, those who are certain that they have played a complete match with one, while there are others who claim that gamer girls gather in secret groups and play just among themselves.
But, do you know someone who claims that he has a gamer girl among his contacts? Or someone who plays with one on a regular basis?
No, is it? That’s why I’m going to give you a guide of seven steps which holds the secret to get that Xbox Live’s secret achievement: Include a gamer girl into your friend list. So, stop posting on forums that you want to meet gamer girls to play with, those are the places that only losers look into.
I’ll teach you to hunt them in their natural habitat, welcome to nature my friend, welcome to the jungle of Xbox Live.
1 – Invite her… Now!
First step is — obviously — finding those gamer girls mixed among so many male gamers that you will face playing your favorite multiplayer game. It’s not easy – I tell you – but they are there waiting for you – yes my dear friend – they are waiting for you to send them a friend request on Xbox Live.
Luckily, you are a man, and your hunting instincts must be in place no matter all those centuries of civilization; that’s why you have to pay attention even to the slightest details. Obviously, girls love to use pink patterns for their characters, and those hearth-shaped and cute mascots are meant for them.
Oh yeah, of course that there are details that reveal a gamer girl more than the appearance of her online character, and if you have enough time during an online match, you can browse through the profile of that who you suspect is a girl in order to reveal a feminine avatar. Another detail that reveals the fact that you are playing with a gamer girl are their Gamertags, they commonly use cute nicknames like… Miss… or Kitty… well, you know the drill.
Can you identify which Spartan is a girl? I’ll be back in five minutes and you’d better have an answer.
And when you are convinced that she is a she, send her a friend request… and do it now!
Because, if you don’t someone else will. It’s just like picking a girl in a bar to ask her out; which is something I’ve never done, but must be the same thing… Anyway, it is way better to have gamer girls on your friend list that you can play and flirt with at the same time… Heaven must be like that.
2 – Make sure it is a woman.
Maybe this should be step #1 on this guide but, as I said earlier, once you have a girl (or girl suspect) on your sight – you have to shoot. There are many other players who are lower than you — my dear friend — and they might send their friend list invitation before you do — in this hunting game, the one who shoots first, gets the prize.
This is the part when I have to warn you that, some assumptions (detailed in the first step) might lead you into a mistake that you could regret because, no matter if science and reason say otherwise, THERE ARE some men who are willing to dress their characters in pink attires (and/or purple) and even pick the girliest icon they find among so many options.
You can also be fooled to think that you are playing with a girl if you only consider the tone of their voice, because it is easy to mistake the squeaky voice of a kid with the feminine voice of that sexy chick behind a joystick that is actually dying to meet you.
In cases like this, you could ask him or her if she is a woman. Did somebody else ask her already? Practically everyone is asking? It doesn’t matter, you should ask too… They just love attention.
I have to repeat you that one of the easiest ways to differentiate a guy from a girl is through their avatar. Unluckily, it is an annoyance to go through every menu in order to see someone’s avatar (worse… everyone’s avatar), and since you can’t pause an online match, you are obliged to use all the time you have on your disposal. But, since you’re a pro gamer who expects to captivate a chick with a great show of skill, you won’t have time to dig into people’s Gamertags. That’s why my advice remains the same: Invite that pink soldier with a girly name.
And what to do if you accidentally invite a guy in pink armor? It’s simple: run like hell, erase him from your friend list, and don’t mention your screw up to anyone… And that goes for you L0V3 Y0U MO5T, I admit that we had a lot of fun a couple of weeks ago, but no! I don’t want to be your friend! My reputation is at stake! Remember? So, Back off!
3 – You have been added.
You check your friend list and realize that you have unlocked your dreamed gamer girl specimen within your contacts… Congratulations! You have conquered your first achievement as an Xbox Live Casanova, but this is just the beginning.
She surely accepted you because she felt aroused by the huge show of skill you brought into the match in that game where you two met. This is the time when you have to provide her the comfort and the benefits of having you at her disposal. For example:
Invite her as soon as she connects to Xbox Live. It doesn’t matter if she isn’t playing the same game as you, and it is useless for her to resist, you know that she wants to repeat that same great experience of the other day.
Offer your help with her achievements. Since she is a woman, it is quite certain that her Gamerscore is tiny compared to yours — it is well known that it is almost impossible for a fragile and delicate girl to get the hardest achievements… This is where you – my friend – will make the difference. This is the part when you must put your strong, man’s man, and testosterone-fuelled avatar to work.
At this point, this is the way that she looks up on you.
Meanwhile, it is important to gather all the information about her, so — don’t forget to ask her name, age, location, etc. Besides, what’s the point of a date if there’s no conversation? (You are not mistaken, a game date… is a date after all), it doesn’t matter if she is under heavy fire, if she is tasked in eliminating someone from the opposition, or if she is focused on not missing a single note on Guitar Hero; real thing is, there’s nothing more important for her than answering your questions.
And basically, that's all it takes to get a gamer girl into your friend list. Repeat this three simple steps until you have gathered all the gamer chicks you are capable of handling at the same time. If you are like me, you can handle up to fifteen… Go and make me proud.
The next steps don’t have anything to do about how to get gamer girls into your friend list, but advises about what you have to do in some complicated situations that tend to happen once you have managed to bring a gamer girl into the light.
4 – Let her know who you are
This is the part when you have to open your eyes to a cruel reality. Dude, there’s something you need to know:
She has other friends over Xbox Live.
I know, I know. It’s outrageous and impossible to digest the fact that she plays with other people who aren’t you, but it’s true, she has not yet realized that her chances for having a good time are exponentially increased when she plays with someone your size — and that is exactly what you must let her know.
Unfortunately, you don’t need to search too far to realize with whom else she is playing with; because your very own friends, amazed to see you playing with a girl, took advantage of your discovery to send her their own friend requests.
Dude, you have to stay calm at this point, you must control the anger you feel when you find her playing with Killing5pree — who only wastes the sniper ammo; or with Silent Strike – who does nothing but picking every weapon he find on his way.
But why in the hell is she playing with DAVID98?! He is only good as cannon fodder! What about those new achievements? With whom did you get them!?
Easy … The solution is simple. You must become the center of attention, so – join the party where all your friends are drooling over her and focus on getting most of the conversation. Take advantage of every opportunity to make any interesting observation or show-off your detailed knowledge about videogames.
But above all, be funny as much as you can, women just melt for someone with a good sense of humor — They will surely love even your lamest joke… above all, use puns… they just looove puns.
Consider this as a challenge of who says the last word.
One way to make sure you get the last (and first) word is sending her a message when the game is over, or the next day when you didn’t find her online. That way, she will always know you are there – ready to lead her to victory any time she wants. It is quite sure that none of your friends thought about that, I just can’t imagine a girl signing into Xbox Live and getting like 10 new messages.
Anyway, if she did get more messages from other lesser players, it’s yours the ones she’ll be more willing to read; specially, that message you send her that day when your friends kicked you out because the party was full (bastards…).
5- More about messages.
It is possible that, at some point, you sent her a game invite and she doesn’t join the party as soon as she used to; even, she might not appear after 3 o 5 invites.
It’s normal for you to worry at this point — send her another few messages to say hi and find out how she is doing. You can even send her a voice message… I know, all your friends sound sooo gay whenever they send you one, but not you — my friend, the sound of your seductive voice is exactly what she is looking for.
Is she still taking too long to respond? Don’t worry, she is surely doing one of those girly things; she is probably busy with her make-up, or she might have run to check how her cookies are doing. She might even be talking on the phone with one of her girl friends about that cool guy she has on her Xbox Live contacts (women… are you ever going to change?)
It’s been an eternity since the last message you have sent, like… 3 minutes. At this point, the reason why she has not joined your game is clear: Her connection is failing.
It’s a lost for her today, go and get a lot of points today on her behalf, so you can show-off about them the next time you see her. And that connection of her really sucks; she probably won’t be receiving your messages the next few days.
6 – WTF!!!
She have disappeared from your friend list, easy there, buddy! Remember the connection problems that she has experienced lately? Well, it surely means that some of her friends have been accidentally erased.
And since your Gamertag is a cool chain of regurgitated characters impossible to memorize (which, by the way, raises you cool level above 200%) she has not being able to add you on her friend list once again. You can be sure that she has not forgotten about you — my good friend, even if she had 50 friends on her contacts, she knows that you are the only one willing to risk his life for her.
Play with meeeee!!!
Send her another friend request to let her know that you also remember her, bonus points if you make her believe that you erased her by accident; because you – my friend – no, you can’t be erased, not even by accident — remember, it’s her connection.
She has not responded to any of your 12 or 15 messages, and you can’t count how many friend request you have resend to her. At this point, you might be seen as an obsessive and/or paranoid kind of stalker, but no… not you, your intentions are of real and pure friendship.
So, send her a few more messages and friend requests to make sure that she is reading (or hearing) you.
Ok dude, now you know that she is indeed reading you. If you wanted permission to shoot, now you have it. Mr. Nice Guy has left the house and now your ex-friend will really get to know you.
Let her know that you know that she knows that you know that she is ignoring you, and that’s something she can’t do to the likes of you.
Make her understand that if someone is ignoring someone, that’s you — an over the top gamer way superior than a simple woman… Speaking of which, don’t forget to tell her that those “two or three times” that she managed to get a higher score than you did were just luck or kindness from you — and were not reasons to make you unworthy of your man card.
There’s no reason for her to ignore your ultimate message. No sir, that ingenious message that displays your Iambetterthanyouitty (Yes, that’s a word!) that you impulsively made up in less than five minutes MUST be responded with the same level of personal insult so you can start an argument that will finally end up with her admitting her guilt and lack of vision, and you (only if allow it) welcoming her back into your friend list.
7 – She’s gone.
It’s been 24 hours after your ultimate message and you haven’t receive an answer — and you know that 24 hours have elapsed, because you left your console unnecessarily running after your last game in order to see what would she respond on that remark you did about how women are bad gamers as they are lame at driving (again, kudos for that excellent comment – my good friend).
What did you wrong? You treated her like a goddess, you became interested in everything about her life, and you invited her to all your games. The fact that you were inviting her to that game she hasn’t played for three months doesn’t have anything to do with it.
Don’t get desperate — my friend. This is the point when you have to accept the truth, the key moment when you have discovered the reason why there are just a few gamer girls. She (just like other girls previously on my friend list) has disappeared, and after considering every possibility the truth becomes clear…
She has been abducted by aliens. It’s true! Even aliens acknowledge how rare gamer girls are, and that’s the only reason why your good willing messages have not received an answer. Poor girls, they must be victims of exhaustive lab test in order for the aliens to figure why this kind of girl dares to compete in games made by and meant for males – since they should be genetically programmed to understand that they are, they were, and they will always be inferior to men (do I hear applauses?)
Leaving the alien abduction theory aside (but still, the most logical reason) there’s only one worst case scenario that could explain your friend’s disappearance: She has married with a stupid and boring guy who don’t like good old videogames, you know — one of those Neanderthal, sports fanatic and “I’m too old for videogames” kind of dude.
Surely, that imbecile has forbid her to play online to slave her in domestic chores, preparing his meals, and snacks for him and his pals — who have come to watch the game for that day. At the end of the day she will be tasked to pick the mess up, do the dishes, and disinfect the couches that will smell like beer and some other unmentionable body odors.
Now you see it, Miss Kitty86? You would be better with me!
Me? I’m way over you, and I’m still king on that multiplayer game that you don’t want to play with me. Besides, who needs you? There are many other gamer girls that will occupy your place.
In fact, I just got another gamer girl for my friend list, she will surely appreciate my superior skills and (thanks to me) her achievements will be multiplied… What do you think? Uh?
Oh wait, this is a dude…