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(Warning: This article contains spoilers!)
My friends and I spent more time laughing at Tekken: Blood Vengeance than gaping at its awesomeness. No, the movie isn't awful–it's actually decent (much better than Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li). Blood Vengeance has great fight scenes, especially at the end; however, it's hard to imagine expert martial artists have trouble with the simplest of tasks, like opening a door or killing someone while they sleep. The characters in the movie turn simple choices into needless epic missions. And when common sense goes out the window, you can't help but laugh.
1. How to make a Helmet Sandwich
Anna and Nina Williams are sisters, but they hate each other, so when Nina cruises along the highway on her motorcycle, Anna sends an exploding tanker as a gift. Nina survives; Anna switches to hand-to-hand combat.
Nina begins the fight with a reasonable choice: toss her helmet in Anna's face as a distraction. After that, all common sense leaves the battle. With the helmet in mid-air, the sisters run forward and smash it into a thousand pieces between their feet. And then continue fighting.
What was the point of destroying the helmet? Other than sending thousands of 3D helmet pieces into the face of viewers to put them right in the action, destroying the helmet doesn't give either sister an advantage in the fight. There are a number of reasonable alternatives for Anna: dodge the helmet; slap or kick the helmet away; or–and this is the best choice–grab the helmet and throw it back at Nina. Instead, Anna settles for a jump kick, needlessly destroying a perfectly good weapon.
Add to the sisters' résumé Professional Helmet Destroyers
2. Avoid doors as much as possible . . .
Shin Kamiya has the M gene–DNA that makes him immortal, so Jin and his father Kazuya have good reason to hunt him down. Jin sends his adorable robot girl Alisa to Shin's school while Kazuya ships amusement park-lover Xiaoyu. Aside from Shin's two suicide attempts, the girls take to him immediately.
After Shin ends a conversation with Alisa and Xiaoyu on the roof of their school, he makes a speedy exit . . . by flipping off the roof and landing on a staircase below. If Alisa and Xiaoyu posed a threat–if they were zombies–Shin had a good reason to flip off the roof. But the girls just wanted to get to know him, where he's from, and what the heck is that tattoo on his arm? Apparently the conversation was threatening enough.
A better, common sense choice would be to use the door a few feet behind Shin–the one he probably walked through to get on the roof, because he didn't flip from the staircase to the roof unless he's that badass. Granted, Shin uses the door on the staircase to leave, but why waste his energy and risk his life on a rusty staircase when he could take a thirty-second stroll to the door behind him? Oh, sure, he's immortal, so not much risk to his life, but immortal or not, cement still hurts like hell.
I'm waaaay too sexy for conversations on a roof
Or bust them down
In retrospect, Shin's would-be captors have a different policy on doors. At the climax of Blood Vengeance, Alisa and Xiaoyu finally find Shin in a temple. Then Kazuya busts down a door, and not to be outdone by his father, Jin busts down a door, too.
Oh, snap! Shit's about to go down!
One can argue they're angry and ready for action, but if they planned to get Shin, Alisa, and Xiaoyu in the temple, and they succeed, what's the hurry? More than likely both Jin and Kazuya stood behind their doors waiting for the right moment–that's what most people do if they lay a trap for someone. Just turn the door knob and push. You know, walk out of the shadows with a grin on your face, clapping your hands slowly? Simple.
Of course, no family reunion would be complete without Heihachi. After Jin and Kazuya jack up the insurance rate on the temple 100 percent, the camera zooms out and circles around the room with the ceiling in clear view. Hearing Heihachi's laugh in the scene, one expects him to burst through the ceiling. Actually, that doesn't happen. Heihachi lifts a curtain in the back of the room to make his appearance. An anticlimactic entrance given the first two break-ins, but the old man has more respect for the temple than his son and grandson.
3. Because 99 bullets aren't enough
Remember in Peter Jackson's The Fellowship of the Ring when the Ringwraiths sneak into Frodo's room and they stab his bed a hundred times only to discover they were stabbing pillows? Anna takes the same idea but uses guns.
As Xiaoyu and Alisa sleep in Lee Chaolan's enormous mansion, Anna orders a rather large group of soldiers to tear the girls to shreds; the shooting goes on for at least fifteen seconds. Both the soldiers and the time they spend shooting are unnecessary–it's just a little girl and her robot friend. True, the robot may need a little more firepower, but two or three rifles should do the trick, and after a more reasonable seven-second shooting, Anna's soldiers could use the rest of their ammo for more important things, like for when helmet-throwing Nina breaks into the room with giant robots.
And so the rivalry continues . . .
I'm not complaining. In fact, these unnecessary choices kept my attention. And if that was the purpose, Tekken: Blood Vengeance gets an A+.