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I love Halloween…the weather, the candy, the costumes, the excuse to consume a massive amount of alcohol, and a free pass to dress like a complete idiot. Come to think of it, Halloween’s nothing if not a plethora of opportunities for socially-sanctioned idiocy — especially if you aspire to be a video-game character for the duration of the evening. But screw up the initial planning and it’s Halloween ‘06 all over again…don’t let anyone tell you that fishnet stockings look like Ryu Hayabusa’s ninja tights.
Before you realize what's happened, you'll be fending off a pack of rabid frat boys while awkwardly tugging at your makeshift ninja mask in a final, desperate attempt to expose your bearded countenance before you’re given yet another reason to wake up in a cold sweat for the rest of your life.
Mind the following tips for fashioning yourself into a game character for All Hallow’s Eve. Let these examples serve as a warning. Seriously. Cold sweats, dude.
We’d all like to dress up as a pitch-perfect Master Chief, Solid Snake, or Kratos, but odds are, it won’t happen. Those costumes are unbelievably complex, and no one’s giving you an A for effort. They’ll just ridicule you and stick your head in a trash can…and give you wedgies…but I digress.
Simple is better. A quick trip to Wal-Mart or a thrift store can yield amazing costumes. Take note of the following examples:
Cross-dressing: It’s only cute if you’re a girl:
Girl in a Mario costume? Cute. Guy in a Princess Peach costume? Sex offender. One day, societal mores will allow such awesomeness to flood the streets, but today is not that day, and you probably don’t live in New Orleans.
Point made. Gotta puke. Or fap. Probably both.
Know your body-type:
This is touchy territory, and I’d hate to offend anyone. But I’m probably going to, so let’s push on. If your freshman fifteen got completely out of control, then 2011 probably isn’t the year to dress up as a Final Fantasy character (or any character from a Japanese game, for that matter). Weight isn’t the only potential threat. Can’t grow a beard? Niko Bellic isn’t for you. Rail skinny? Don’t even think about Francis from Left 4 Dead. White? Probably shouldn’t dress up as Ezio or Barret. Seriously, that shit's just offensive.
And sometimes you're just too damn big.
Pro tip: It’s usually cold on Halloween:
Let’s say you’ve met the necessary prerequisites to leave the house looking head-to-toe like Mai Shiranui or Kratos. Your mother might be ashamed of you, but the opposite sex will fawn over you and your Photoshop-quality physique. It will surely be an evening to remember…that is, if you had any shot at remembering it. Let's face it: It's Halloween, and by 1:30 am, booze will have had its way with your mind, your circulatory system, and any semblance of self-esteem you once possessed. As you wallow in a bitter combination of self-loathing and physical discomfort on the curb in front of your favorite bar, you’ll come to the uncomfortable realization that this shit sucks, you need a cab, and you lost the feeling in your nipples 45 minutes ago.
They wouldn't look nearly as badass if they were completely bricked on Irish Car Bombs.
Even if you fail to heed every aforementioned precaution, take solace in the fact that you're dressed like a video-game character. You've already won.
See you on the curb.