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My wife is five months pregnant with our first child. To celebrate this wondrous, life-changing event, I compiled a list of memorable video game babies. Some fill our hearts with joy; others make you want to lock yourself in a maximum security prison.
Zombies Ate My Neighbors: Zombie outbreaks don’t affect everyone in the same way. Some babies have turned into giant, milk-spilling, drooling machines. Now that I think about it, regular-sized infants in this game are pretty big already.
Yoshi's Island DS: According to the Super Mario Bros. movie, the Italian plumbers lived in Brooklyn, NY before warping to the Mushroom Kingdom…or whatever the hell that place where Dennis Hopper lives is called. The film sucked dinosaur balls, so let’s ignore it. Mario, Luigi, Peach, Wario, Donkey Kong, and Bowser really came from Yoshi’s Island.
Super Ghouls 'N Ghosts: Arthur faces many dangers on his quest to save Princess Prin-Prin but none greater than the Magician. The sorcerer’s spells can turn the boxer-wearing knight into a seal, a bumblebee, an old man, a terrified maiden, or a helpless toddler.
Clayfighter 2: Judgment Clay: Kids like to play with clay, so it makes perfect sense to have a rowdy baby combatant in ClayFighter 2. Goo Goo will beat you up with his rattle uppercut and the dreaded ram butt blast.
The Last Blade 2: The Shimiji Pass stage features a really cute baby that desperately tries to go up the first step of a stone stair. The little, chubby, meat sack finally reaches his goal each time a round is over.
Aero Fighters 2: Between pooping his diaper and nap time, Bobby likes to pilot fighter jets and battle aliens. Do you think that sounds strange? Aero Fighters 2 also includes a talking dolphin. The equation balances itself.
Captain Commando: When assembling a team of super warriors, Captain Commando enlisted a mystical ninja, an undead mummy, and…a baby. Baby Commando is too young to walk, so he rides a fucking mech.
As a bonus, I included this mind-blowing image of Baby Commando riding a mech, riding another mech.
DarkStalkers 3: Jedah’s diabolical plan for world domination includes awakening and fusing himself with the "Fetus of God." What’s that, you ask? It’s a huge devil baby surrounded by phalluses. Please, let’s move on….
Dante's Inferno: What happens when unbaptized babies die? Why, they go straight to hell. Dante fights off packs of rabid, demonic children who never experienced the love of our creator. Godlessness….
Dead Space 2: Lurkers and Crawlers are the result of the Necromorph infestation messing with human babies’ DNA. Crawlers serve as living land mines, while Lurkers stick to walls and shoot darts at anything that ventures near them.
I know they’re irresistible, but try to fight the urge to hug Crawlers…unless you want your insides on the outside of your body.
Mortal Kombat II: Part two of Midway’s brutal fighting game introduced Babalities — the ability to turn your foe into inoffensive babies. What could be more humiliating (or cute) than that? Breastfeeding Baraka must be a nightmare.
What other gaming babies do you remember?