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Once again, we peer into the future and…hey, are those lottery numbers?
Two weeks from today, game-industry trade show Electronic Entertainment Expo will wind down, and the survivors will limp off into the night like escaped slaves from a Krispy Kreme factory. But here in the pre-awesome glow of not-yet-E3, we can all still feel our feet and dreamily swoon (read: ceaselessly bitch that BioShock Infinite won't be at the show) over the endless possibilities. And since last year's E3 predictions nailed every last detail, let's spoil those possibilities. Because we care.
What say you, panel of experts? What's on tap for the biggest week in gaming?
“A’course, we a-bringin’ the Wii U and alla our new third-party support! Wah-HOO! So we gonna have-a the EA, we gonna have-a the you-be-soft, and oh, f*** me, I can't keep-a the straight face. No, it’s a-gonna be Family, capice? Me, a-Pikmin, Smash Bros., alla the made guys. Maybe we bring-a the new kid, Star Fox. Hey! He’s almost-a 20 years old! Time to getta him puke-drunk and make him a man!”
– Mario, Super Mario Galaxy
“I'm taking revengence on whoever invented the word ‘revengence.’”
– Raiden, Metal Gear Rising: Revengence
“Sony will formally announce Shenmue 3, and the sun will explode before they can add, ‘for the PS Vita.’"
– Ryo Hazuki, Shenmue
“That Microsoft conference is gonna be 10 minutes of Halo 4 and the Master Chief shootin’ up tire-lickin’ alien trash, then 90 minutes of [Microsoft President of the Interactive Entertainment] Don Mattrick just standing there with his arms folded, nodding to the applause LIKE A GOD-DAMN BOSS.”
– Sergeant Avery Johnson, Halo 3
“I’ll sneak into the L.A. Convention Center dressed as a gaming journalist and silently assassinate [PlayStation spokesman] Kevin Butler. It should be my easiest disguise ever…a pair of khaki shorts and a t-shirt with cartoons on it.”
– Agent 47, Hitman: Absolution
“I just want [Nintendo COO] Reggie Fils-Aime to rip his shirt off, turn green, and smash whoever hosts Ubisoft’s press conference.”
– Link, The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword
“They’re going to make me have a multiplayer mode, aren’t they? Who could possibly want 16 of me running around, quite muddy and sweaty and shooting each other, and I just answered my own question."
– Lara Croft, Tomb Raider
"I have too much money to go to a trade show. Instead, I think I'll buy Los Angeles and outlaw the color blue. Eat it, Facebook!"
– Angry Bird, Angry Birds
“All nine dozen free-to-play shooters coming to E3 will gang up on my Black Ops II lads until Activision beats them to death with large sacks of money. Maybe my boys'll just catapult booth babes at them from a distance."
– Captain Price, Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3
“If history’s any judge, a few hundred dorks will put their arms around me, so their friend can take a picture of us right before I dislocate his face. Let's just say I’ve adopted a zero-Nerd-Shoulder-tolerance policy.”
– Chun-Li, Super Street Fighter IV
“Johnson’s wrong. They’ll announce Kinect support for Halo 4, and God will cancel E3 in protest.”
– Master Chief, Halo 4