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Once again, it’s time to roast some intellectual weenies with the grill masters!
Independence Day! The day we celebrate the signing of the Declaration of Independence by getting drunk, watching football, and eating enough red meat to destroy every colon in Detroit. Now that’s how you sever political and economic ties from a bunch of Limeys in wigs.
What say you, panel of experts? Any plans for this special Wednesday edition of our national holiday?
“I’m just going to kick back with a cold beer and let you enjoy all the freedom I’ve safeguarded for you by [REDACTED] those [REDACTED] with a soft little [HEAVILY REDACTED].”
– Sam Fisher, Splinter Cell: Blacklist
“Jesus, couldn’t the Founding Fathers have signed that bitch on a Friday? They had to do it in the middle of the week?”
– Cole MacGrath, Infamous 2
“Well, I’m technically Iranian, so I guess I’ll celebrate by enriching weapons-grade uranium and yawning off the latest U.N. sanctions.”
– The Prince, Prince of Persia
"Every year, I wait for aliens to invade and blow up the White House. Law of averages, right?"
– Cortana, Halo 4
"My friends convinced me to host a "bar-bee-que," so I have marinated the world's food supply and set Australia on fire. Once the flames die down, my work will truly begin."
– Ryu Hayabusa, Ninja Gaiden 3
"Me and my buddy Keith, we made our own firecrackers, and you had to measure those suckers in megatons! One 4th, we delivered 'em like newspapers, throwing 'em out the window of Keith's Charger? And to keep up with all the houses zooming by, Keith said to just light 'em all at once. Well, that didn't work out. Keith always wanted a convertible, but it stunk like gunpower so bad, the ATF busted him every other week."
– Ellis, Left 4 Dead 2
I'm celebrating my absolute freedom to do whatever I want by smoking on airplanes, spray painting "TURBOWHORES!" on every government building, and jaywalking. Across freeways. While naked.
– Faith, Mirror's Edge
"I was going to solve all of humanity's problems with science, but I guess you just want the day off. So never mind."
– GLaDOS, Portal 2
"I'm getting the American flag tattooed on my junk, and then watching every patriotic man, woman, and child in the country salute."
– Duke Nukem, Duke Nukem Forever
"Don't have any specific plans, but I reckon at some point I'll run across a bunch of people all screamin' at each other how their ideas'll destroy America. And then I'll reflect how no other country on this Earth would put up with that."
– John Marston, Red Dead Redemption