Here are some things I think about video games:
1. Kirby's Dream Land seems like an awful place to go on vacation. Delfino Island, however, seems like fun.
2. Final Fantasy and Resident Evil should just stop.
3. Butterfree's an awful Pokemon.
4. Vanillite’s an awful Pokemon.
5. Drifloon’s an awful Pokemon.
6. Spoink’s an awful Pokemon.
7. Grand Theft Auto is just too violent.
8. Torchlight 2 is fun.
9. Without Luigi it would just be called Mario Brother, and that’s just stupid.
10. I think the best car to own would be the car from Spy Hunter.
11. If the Virtual Boy’s graphics weren’t so red, it wouldn’t have been so bad.
12. I’d let Cooking Mama cook me dinner any night.
13. The Spread Gun isn’t that good.
14. Headsets make people look dumb.
15. Video games are more enjoyable when cosplaying as the main character while playing.
16. I don’t know what all the fuss is about. The racing part in Battletoads is easy.
17. Fact: Sonic the Hedgehog is fast.
18. Friday the 13th for the NES is still too scary to play with the lights off.
19. The cover songs in Guitar Hero are better than the originals.
20. Street Fighter 2 Turbo is too hard.
21. Animal Crossing City Folk is too hard.
22. The Madden series is too hard.
23. Lassoing people in Red Dead Redemption is probably the most fun thing to do in video games.
24. Red Dead Redemption is too hard.
25. Without a Nintendo Power Glove, Top Gun is just no fun.
26. The story of the Sega Dreamcast is heartbreakingly tragic.
27. The person that hacked my Guild Wars 2 account needs to find something better to do.
28. The vomit scene in Silent Hill 2 is gross and unnecessary.
29. Microsoft Points are fairly priced.
30. On second thought, the person that hacked my Guild Wars 2 account should be hung from a tall bridge.
31. The greatest video game of all time is Parappa the Rapper.
32. Skyrim would be a nice place to live if not for the bears.
33. The Mushroom Kingdom has shoddy architecture, at best.
34. Punch-Out!! gives people unrealistic expectations of the sport of boxing.
35. There aren’t enough African-Americans represented in video games.
36. NBA Jam is a great game.
37. The Xbox 360 controller is superior to the PlayStation 3 controller. The PlayStation 3 controller uses shapes to represent buttons, while the Xbox 360 controller uses letters. Sometimes if I squint I confuse the triangle and square buttons on a PlayStation 3 controller because they look identical. This would never happen with a Xbox 360 controller because letters don’t look similar when I squint. However, if I hadn’t learned my alphabet yet, I can imagine that using the Xbox 360 controller would be a nightmare. In this case, the PlayStation 3 controller would be far superior. When it comes to vibration magnitude and duration however, the Xbox 360 controller still wins out.
That being said, the GameCube controller is the best of all time.
38. Stealth games are too slow-paced.
39. Racing games should replace driver’s license tests.
40. When talking about realism in video games, nothing compares to the fire hydrants in Grand Theft Auto: Vice City.
41. Metal Gear Solid has just the right amount of cut-scenes.
42. Buying any cell phone game besides TripleTown is a waste of money.
43. The Benihana is the most entertaining Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater trick.
44. Borderlands 2 should be renamed to Guns in the Sun: Punchcat.
45. Rock Band makes me feel like a real musician performing at a gig, and that’s neat.
46. I never realized how much swearing was in the Saints Row series, and I don’t like it one bit.
47. Game for game, the Sega Genesis is the best system of all time.
48. Solid Snake is a silly name.
49. Mario Party 3 is a great party game.
50. If they make a movie version of Shadow of the Colossus, Jake Gyllenhaal should play the lead role.
51. Why do birds need a slingshot? Are they too angry to fly? Not an opinion, just wondering.
52. Atari should take another shot at an E.T. game. The first one was close to being good.
53. World of Warcraft? More like World of Warcrap.
54. Honestly, World of Warcraft is just too big.
55. I bet the property value on the Streets of Rage are really low.
56. It’s silly to think Samus could actually defeat Mother Brain.
57. Enemies should just shoot Batman in the mouth.
58. The Flood is the most annoying enemy ever.
59. If I could be any video game superhero, I’d be Booger Man.
60. A sequel to Skitchin’ would revitalize the public’s interest in rollerblading.
61. A sequel to Road Rash would revitalize the public’s interest in using chains as weapons.
62. Watching Solid Snake leap off the George Washington Bridge is too much and too soon for this Tony Scott fan.
63. I don’t think there’s more realistic tennis action than in Mario Tennis.
64. I would buy a K.K. Slider album, because that dog can play!
65. Fox McCloud seems like he’d be fun to hang out with in small doses.
66. The Necromorphs aren’t that absolutely terrifying.
67. Cel shading is an under-used art style.
68. 1998 was the best year for video games.
69. An autopsy simulator would be fun.
70. The martial arts in Mortal Kombat are unrealistic.
71. There should be a Duck Hunt sequel, considering everyone I knew with a NES had the game.
72. For my money, the water effects in WaveRace 64 are still the best.
73. Super Mario Bros. 2 is poorly written.
74. Gears of War is poorly written.
75. State of Emergency is poorly written.
76. That one quest in Skyrim is poorly written.
77. Myst should be remade again.
78. Nolan North’s voice should be public domain.
79. Bible Adventures is not a bad game.
80. They should make Mavis Beacon games for the next generation of consoles.
81. The ultimate video game villain would be Rectal Cancer.
82. Fantasy is an under-used theme.
83. If Lucio Fulci were still alive, he’d make the best horror game.
84. The Pokemon Tepig would make a great pet.
85. Anything written about video games should take the time to be serious.
Written by Chris "Cosmo" Ross and Ryan "The Nickname" Ruggieri