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Apparently, a few of my tips from last time didn’t work out so well. Something about readers being sent to prison, hoping that I die in a fire, and some nonsense about "dropping the soap" or whatever. On the positive side, I’ve received a few letters from gracious fans that detail how much they’ve learned in prison and exactly what they want to do to my genitalia once they get out. You know, they actually seem kind of hostile now that I think about it.

But fear not (incarcerated) fans, for I have not forsaken you! I bring good news; I have taken pity upon your pathetic state and have decided to help you out once again. Aren’t I just the nicest person? Anyway, let The Gaming School of Prison Survival commence.


Lesson 1: Bathing safely in Mafia II

One can learn plenty of things from the Mafia series, but let’s just stick to the basics for now. After dealing with all of that stress — what with going to prison and all — you’re probably a bit smelly (not that you aren't already, you putrid gorilla). But this can be remedied; all you need to do is take a shower.

Be warned, though: The shower is a dangerous place. Not only is the possibility of becoming transfixed on another inmate’s unmentionable areas a concern (which happens to be very likely in your case) but the risk is quadrupled if you decide to use soap.

I mean, what if it slides out from between your butterfingers and you slip while trying to pick it up! You’ll look like a fool, and no one is going to help you get up in prison. They’re all too concerned about not bending over or something. Bunch of lousy jerks….

Lesson 2: Conspiracies abound in Prison Break

Everyone knows that all prisons have an underground fighting league, but did you know that such instutions have even more conspiracies? Normally, it just involves boring things like who’s dating who (I’m not quite sure how that works in all-male prisons) and who's going to be framed for murdering the Vice-President’s brother — you know, just like in high school.

But the beneath the benign façade lies a horrible secret: Prison is boring. Oh sure, you could sneak around the facility, observe a guard having incredibly awkward sex, hide in a closet (but you're already doing that, aren't you?), and, of course, watch guards guarding things, but even these activities become tiresome after a few days. You'll need something to occupy your time with.

Lesson 3: Digging through concrete with Sam Fisher (and it’s still more fun than Prison Break)

Here’s a man who knows how to dig a hole! Of course, Sam being Sam, he wasn’t willing to tell me how he did it, but I’m pretty sure it had something to do with a knife coupled with a deep-voiced threat. Or maybe he just glared the wall into submission. He can do that.

But you can’t, so we’re going to have to try something else. I doubt you’re in one of those cushy prison camps, so silverware is unlikely, but you may be able to get away with "obtaining" some plastic spoons if you’re still just such a kleptomaniac.

From there, it’s just a matter of digging through three feet of concrete, a mile or two of dirt, and managing to hide the hole from the guards. Shouldn’t be too tough. It’s not like you have anything better to be doing anyway.

Lesson 4: Overcoming your inevitable failure foretold in The Elder Scrolls

Even with the help of my brilliant plan, your failure is nearly assured. What you need is a backup plan. I know how unlikeable you are, but you’re going to need to bring some friends along with you in this little endeavor. That way, if any guards spot you, burly men with shivs can do your work for you!

I would recommend anyone aligned with a rebellion or cult. Not only are they always looking for new members, but they also throw great parties! So long as you make a good impression (and by that I mean hit one of their rivals in the balls), you should be on your way to a "welcome back to society" party in no time!

Of course, there may be a problem with you selling your soul to an organization with ambiguous morals, but hey, who cares about details?

Lesson 5: Life on the outside with the Sims family

Congratulations! You’ve successfully made it to the outside. Of course, you’re now on the run from the law, entangled with an evil organization/cult, and probably one of the biggest disgraces your family has ever seen (nothing new here, though). But hey, you’re out a prison now, and there are plenty of families willing to take in murderous, psychotic convicts (at least, if you believe in The Sims as much as I do).

And why wouldn’t you? The Sims is the most accurate life simulation ever made; if Sims are okay with escaped convicts living in their homes, why wouldn’t people in the real world not also be okay with it? All you have to do is chat them up, making sure to mention how despicably evil you are, and you’ll win them over for sure … because we all know how great it is to have an evil family member.

Free items "found" in other people’s houses, day or night black-market access, and "cleaners" to tidy up the "house" of "unwanted filth" — yes, I can’t think of any family who wouldn’t want you!

And that concludes The Gaming School of Prison Survival; hopefully, you should be more than capable of getting out of prison by now, and who knows, maybe you’ll even stay out of prison this time! Yeah, I don’t think it’s going to happen, either, but an inmate can dream, right?