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So, it’s possible that maybe a few of my tips might have led to the alleged escape of 69 convicts from multiple state and federal prisons. Some “unnamed person,” who is most certainly not I, apparently gave these ne’er-do-wells a proven method to escape prison, which they used to great effect during completely unrelated prison riots started across the country.

I, of course, know nothing about this and am completely innocent. After all, is there a citizen who could possibly be more upstanding than I am? No, there couldn’t. And to prove that, I am going to provide you fine police officers out there with some advice for recapturing those criminals. Isn’t that nice of me?

Without further ado, I bring you the gaming school of policing.

ape escape

Lesson 1: Catching those fugitive monkeys after the apes escape

The first step in restoring order should no doubt be recapturing those criminals (the ones you let escape, you over glorified mall cop). And who better to show you how to do your job than Spike? What’s that, you say? He’s only 12-years-old? Let me ask you something: How many fugitive monkeys have you caught? None? That’s funny — the 12-year-old has caught over 200. Perhaps you should listen.

Now, the first thing you’ll need is a weapon, but if you were competent with a pistol, no one would have escaped in the first place. No, you’ll need something else — something a Neanderthal like yourself could use, like a club. And the finesse of a butterfly net would be a perfect complement to its brute force. It’ll be easy. Just club them and stuff them in your oversized net. You’ll have a van full of unconscious (and possibly dead) criminals in no time! And I wouldn’t worry too much about any lawsuits. Police brutality is just a myth, anyway.


Lesson 2: Cracking down with a vengeance

Strength in numbers is not a myth, however. Catching all of those gangsters isn’t going to be easy if all you’re using is a stick and a butterfly net stolen from a little girl. Hopefully, you’ll be ready to move up to a weapon that is a little less … pathetic. Our advanced technology thankfully affords officers of the law new possibilities like superpowers!

Yes, you too can now recapture those villainous … erm … villains with your new cybernetically enhanced suit, which gives you the strength of 50 men, the skill of 100 assassins, and the speed of some guy from Jamaica or something. All enemies of the state will be within your grasp! All you need to do is drop by the Agency and apply for our super-agent program. You’ll be fitted for a suit and will be mopping the floor with those lawbreakers in no time.  No, literally. I mean you’ll actually have to mop the floor after the last batch of test subje — willing participants in this program experienced a few small, insignificant side effects. Homicidal rampages, excessive use of force, megalomania, obsessive compulsive behavior, hallucinations of “orbs” floating around the city … but nothing serious.

I’m sure those kinks have been worked out by now.

sleeping dogs

Lesson 3: Don’t let sleeping dogs lie

By now, you’re probably thinking, “Everything is under control. The city is safe, and my job is done.” Well, no. Good job wiping out crime and all, but you only cleaned the surface. The dirty underside is still there, festering like a 40-day-old chicken salad sandwich that I may or may not have left in your fridge. They’ll rise up when you least expect it and bring chaos to the streets.

That would be bad … for you. I get paid regardless.

But since I’m not too keen on murders and thieves rampaging through the streets, I’ll give you some advice. Everyone is going to run away from you with that armor on, and that can’t happen. You’re going to need to go undercover. Get a new name and occupation — maybe even a new face. John Notacop, professional enforcer and bodyguard. Yeah, no one will suspect that.

You’ll be able to rise through the criminal world nearly unopposed, eliminating and arresting all who would question your motives. Nearly all of the remaining gang lords will be within your grasp, and they’ll only be a dramatic confrontation away. A few tense moments, a couple of gunshots, and a few good blows to the head, and they’ll be yours. The only thing left to do is deliver their mutilated corp — I mean, lifeless bod — err, completely unharmed persons to the authorities.


Lesson 4: Reducing grand theft auto rates

It may be a bit early to say, but I believe that your city is now the perfect metropolis, full of well-to-do citizens and upstanding working class urbanites. The streets are no doubt paved with gold, and a rainbow is permanently etched into the skyline. The denizens of your utopian society are all kind and thoughtful, and many of them are even great intellectuals and scholars. Yes, there’s a new “happiest place on earth.”

What’s that? Do you mean to tell me that none of that is true? The taxpayers found out about the millions of dollars spent on supersuits? You’re encountering police brutality lawsuits? And you murdered a gang lord? Gang lords? You should be ashamed of yourself! But you’ll have to feel sorry about it later.

Right now, criminals are infecting your fair city, corrupting everything they touch with bloodlust and greed. They’ve amassed an arsenal of concealable weapons: rocket launchers hidden in their pants (not a sex joke), death-dealing helicopters that out materialize out of thin air, vibrating sex toys … and I wish that one was a joke.

But here you are, probably rotting in one of the recently vacated prisons, contemplating your rise and fall — a pity party of one. This is no time for reflection. It’s time for (more) action! After reading this excellently written article (whose author, for legal reasons, can’t be named) and breaking out of prison, the most important task at hand becomes assembling a police force. I’m sure you’re fairly used to being an army of one by now, but unfortunately, that just won’t work anymore. The criminals have become smarter, and they’re not going down without a fight.

You’ll need a handpicked task force — nothing but the best. I recommend overweight, trigger-happy lunatics bent on killing every last lawbreaker. They should also like donuts because it’s funny. Then, if they experience any problems with bringing those outlaws to justice, you can make fun of their weight. Consequently, they’ll become enraged and take it out on those fugitives, thereby ridding the city of evil.

You get to make fun of someone, and they stop being useless. Everybody wins.

police 2

Lesson 5: Using unnecessary force on the Third Street Saints

This is clearly your fault, but I suppose not everyone can carry out plans as competently as I can. No, you’ve utterly and completely failed to restore order and spent millions of the taxpayers’ dollars so that you could recapture criminals who escaped because of your incompetence. It didn’t have to come to this, but the city can’t be allowed to remain in this state. The siege must be ended and the war won. It’s time to bring out the real muscle.

Unfortunately, few gangs and mercenary groups want to cooperate with “the fuzz,” so we’ll just have to settle for the technologically advanced, wholly psychotic military group intent on wiping all gangs from the face of the earth. Yes, I know it’s hardly an equal substitute, but they’ll make do for now. And after declaring martial law, they should have no trouble cleaning up your mess. Of course, you may find a few dissenters who claim that your new team is using “unnecessary force” and are “batsh*t crazy murders,” but those people have a tendency of disappearing unexpectedly … in mysterious circumstances … with no witnesses.

Moving on, a few things might change once the army moves in to your neighborhood, such as the sky permanently darkening because of the enormous flying carrier blocking the sun and Big Brother forever watching you (by the way, don’t look over your shoulder). It may take time to adjust, but stand tall, officer! You’ve completed the gaming school of policing and can stand up to any threat. Unless it happens to include mimes. Then you’re screwed. Mimes will **** you up.