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Guitar Hero MetallicaIf you’re a fan of video games it is your duty to hate them.  While the interweb is primarily populated by puppy-hugging happiness, all the cool kids spew as much irrational hatred as possible on their beloved hobby.  While this vitriol may seem haphazard, there are six internet-acceptable approaches to hating-on any game.  Let’s examine these approaches – happy hating!

1. Sales Numbers – Be sure to check the top-selling games of the given timeframe. These are surely worth your rage because so many people purchased them, therefore making them stupid.  You might refer to the equation (Sales + Lots of People = Dumb). This is a way to prove your superiority as you refuse to play all games except for the MOBA “Squirrel Herders of the Himalayas.” As the “Squirrel Herders” franchise has sold seven copies worldwide, it is instantly fantastic because the you are one of the few people to know it exists – therefore upping the cool factor.

2. Any Changes Made to the Franchise – Remember when the Metallica “Black Album” released and their careers tanked and the world ended? That applies here. Subscribe to a hardline philosophy of “I Likes My Metallica with Long-Hair and Only Long-Hair” and that will be your beacon of reason in hating any change made to a game franchise.  Point out and mock these profit-grubbing sell-outs at all costs.

3. No Changes At All – Remember when the Metallica “Black Album” released and their careers tanked and the world ended? What a bunch of one-dimensional, one-trick ponies with no creativity or staying power! If the Tanooki Suit has not morphed into a flying, vibrating wombat suit, well, hate on!

4. DLC – DLC boils down to one simple rule – development shall begin the day after the game ships and be released four weeks after that date.  DLC development that begins prior to release is the equivalent of a developer photocopying a picture of themselves flipping the bird and inserting that into every game case.  However, DLC released more than four weeks after launch falls into the category of lame because after that passage of time a game is automatically old and therefore stupid.

5. Gaming Outlets and Rating Scales – 4/5, 8.5/10, 3/5 Smiles, or pi/opinion – disagreeing with the rating scale of any given outlet is a sure way to hate-on a game.  The audacity to expect a reader to review their scale and realize the score is one person’s opinion – who do these outlets think they are? If an outlet attempts to explain their rating scale and you become befuddled, just scream, “WHY ISN’T 5 AVERAGE,” as loudly and as long as possible – that will get them to walk away and you will be victorious.

6. The Twitter Conspiracy – Ever wonder why the parking lots of media outlets look like high-end car dealerships?  Twitter solves this mystery – all journalists are on the take.  Apparent friendships displayed in tweets between developers and journalists are carefully coded messages of where to pick up the next sackful of loot.

Anchor your thoughts in these core-hating principles and you’ll be off and hating like a pro in no time!