What Is This? — Explaining Bayonetta to a Skeptical Girlfriend

Editor's note: Sometimes we forget that some games are just plain old crazy. Heck, some of you out there have convinced yourselves that the Metal Gear Solid games have a coherent storyline! But I digress; here Adam tries to convince his girlfriend that there's more to Bayonetta than a mostly-naked woman with a shapely rear. I'm not so sure he got the job done; what do you think? – Aaron

Hello, and welcome to part one in an ongoing series titled "What Is This?" where my girlfriend comes into the room while I'm in the middle of playing a video game, and I have to try and explain to her what I'm playing. Oh, here she comes now.

Girlfriend: Hey. What is this?

Adam: Oh. This is Bayonetta.

Girlfriend: What's going on?

Adam: It's complicated. I'm a witch or something, and I have to kill these scary-looking angels.

Girlfriend: Why do you have to kill angels?

Adam: I don't know, because they're trying to kill me? And I have to find out who I am or something, I guess. I don't know. And there's this black guy who's a devil who I can buy guns from, but I have to give him broken vinyl records to unlock new guns.

Girlfriend: This looks like porn. Is that black leather she's wearing?

Adam: No, it's ummm, it's her hair. Her hair turns into her clothes, but then I can make her clothes come off, and use the hair to kill angels like in a demon-storm-thing.

Girlfriend: So, then she's naked?

Adam: Yeah, but it doesn't, like, show anything.

Girlfriend: How is she fighting in those heels?

Adam: Oh, those? They're actually guns.

Girlfriend: What?

Adam: There are guns in her shoes. See, I can push this button and spin this around, and it makes her stand on her hands and shoot bullets out of her feet.

Girlfriend: Oh.

Adam: And if I pull this trigger twice then I can turn her into a puma-cat-thing and run really fast. And if I just push it once before I get hit by something, I can go into bullet-time like in the Matrix.

Girlfriend: OK. Why does she look like a librarian?

Adam: I don't know. I think that's just what witches look like. I should stop playing anyway, I can only go for a level or two before my hands get sore…from the button-mashing. Did you want to, like, do anything before bed?

Girlfriend: No, I think I'm just going to read.

Adam: Oh. OK. You sure? You didn't want to do…anything?

Girlfriend: No, think I'm just going to read.

Adam: OK.

And… scene.

Thanks for reading "What is this?" where my girlfriend comes into the room while I'm in the middle of playing a video game, and I have to try and explain to her what I'm playing. I really hope my girlfriend and I can do this again — that this can become an ongoing series — because, I really like her, and well, you don't think she's seeing someone else, do you? She just seems so distant lately.

Wait, you can unlock new costumes in Bayonetta?!