A techie’s guide to surviving the apocalypse

We’ve heard a lot of talk about the apocalypse predicted for tomorrow. Will it happen? Won’t it happen? And if it does happen, what’s a techie to do?

When it comes to doomsday prophecies, my policy is to follow the Scout motto and always be prepared.

In a post-apocalyptic wasteland, there are still technological developments that can help us survive, and the only ones left standing will be the strong, the resourceful, and those with enough forethought to hide in ancient Guatemalan temples.

So should Bolon Yokte Ku appear, an asteroid crash into earth, or a cosmic storm wreak devastation, consider these survival tips.

Protection

Screen Shot 2012-12-20 at 2.59.45 PMIn the post-apocalyptic era, the biggest threat facing techies is not going to be account hacking, Carpal Tunnel Syndrome, or credit card fraud. The Internet and other, lesser forms of media tell us the world will be populated by infected, rabid zombie assailants and ruthless survivalists. In order to stay alive in this brutal environment, it is imperative to arm yourself against danger. If you can’t stay alive, all the tips to come will be useless. Why not combine your love of technology and design with your need for protection? Tech lovers will appreciate the masterful engineering of this Excalibur Phoenix crossbow. Not only can it fit inside your backpack, but it is also lightweight so as not to strain those delicate muscles. Plus, the manufacturer refers to it as a “compact crossbow platform.” Platform! Now that’s language a techie understands.

Skills

Most techies have lived coddled existences with computers, couches, and the comforts of a connected home. Our survival skills are perhaps not as well honed as those of, say, my sister the Marine Corps Lieutenant. As much as I would love to hide out and have Sarah protect me from bad guys, it’s also important that I and my kind develop survival capabilities of our own. What better way to do that than with technology!Dayz1

Day Z is an intense post-apocolyptic survival game where players fight for their lives against a population infected by disease. A few hours of this, and you’ll be ready for the real thing. The landscape is brutal, chilling, and not for the faint of heart. Unlike other zombie games that focus on all-out zombie massacres, Day Z tests your ability to stay alive based on realistic survival mechanisms. Players have to manage their supplies of ammo, food, and medicine, as well as accomplish tasks like rebuilding vehicles or chopping firewood — just like in a real zombie apocalypse! You know you’ve been waiting for the day when all that time and money spent on gaming would pay off. Friends, that day has come. Read more on VentureBeat.

Food

ezgroYou can’t survive without food, but all signs indicate that the post-apocalyptic world will not be filled with lush farmland. Even if it is, harvesting the food could leave you exposed, and chances are the fruits of your labor would be contaminated. You don’t want to pull a tomato off a vine for a lovely caprese sandwich only to find you have sprouted an extra finger. Instead, why not set up an indoor hydroponic garden that is protected from external threats? This EZGro Vertical Garden can be set up inside and involves minimal amounts of effort to grow a nutritious array of vegetables. For protein, use your crossbow to hunt whatever critters are left roaming around out there. Mmmm critters.

Water

Screen Shot 2012-12-20 at 3.22.09 PMWater is the substance of life. Without it, we die, even if there is food, shelter, and an absence of physical threats. Plus with the harsh sunlight, not staying properly hydrated will dry out your skin, and just because the earth is hard and cracked, doesn’t mean your face needs to be. The Hydros portable water bottle comes with a built-in filter that clears out toxins and chemicals in 20 seconds. It was founded by a Silicon Valley native to address the global water crisis but is particularly useful in an apocalyptic scenario that involves limited access to clean water. Plus, for every purchase of one of these bottles, money is donated to address the global water crisis, which is good karma. Let’s face it, we techies can use all the help we can get. Read more on VentureBeat.

Communication

eton powerboostIn any scenario, techies feel safer with their smartphones on hand. These devices are simultaneously symbols of our strength, talismans to guard against evil, links to friendly allies, and war chests of resources. Without them, we are defenseless and vulnerable. It’s hard to say what degrees of connectivity the post-doomsday world will bring, but the BoostTurbine 2000 is a back-up battery with a hand turbine power generator. It lets you charge your mobile device when you are really in a bind. One minute of cranking can produce enough power to make a life-or-death call, send a few critical texts, or act as a beacon for fellow techies in the depths of night. Phone power IS real power, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

Transportation

Screen Shot 2012-12-20 at 3.48.10 PMSometimes, speed is more important than strength, and doomsday is not a time for any foolish displays of bravery or courage. It’s every man for himself in this world, and there’s no shame in flight. Vibram FiveFingers footwear will keep you ahead of any enemies and help you withstand a range of terrains. These stealthy, soundless shoes work with your body’s mechanics to ensure that, with everything else you are dealing with, you don’t have to worry about alignment. Plus Sergey Brin likes them, and I’m pretty sure he’ll come out of all this just fine.

Storage

h2tranWhen catastrophe strikes, it’s best to have a safe place to keep all of your treasured belongings, not to mention your beloved technology. H2Tran makes a disaster-proof lockbox that was literally designed to withstand the end of the world as we know it. It can protect digital data and computer hardware against whatever the universe may throw at them. It is fully loaded with heavily compressed doors to seal out water, industrial grade bolts, various hard core locks, and a liquid cooling system to keep your tech in tip top shape. The safe weighs about 2,000 pounds and guarantees that your servers and other equipment will survive the apocalypse, even if you don’t. Read more on VentureBeat. 

 

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