Watching yesterday's Super Bowl was like watching a snuff film where you can tell all the gore is 100 percent real.
I spent the night groaning, yelling, pacing, leaving the room in disgust, and eating my feelings over a bowl of buffalo chicken dip. It was so awful.
But not as awful as some of those ads. We're actually quite proud that tech companies avoided the pickup-truck-flag-waving-lite-beer-verteransploitation-Team-Amurrica bullcrap that plagues us every Super Bowl. Some of the tech company spots were downright hilarious.
And ever-loving butter on a biscuit if we didn't see GoDaddy completely turn a corner and show awesome, empowered women in its ads for the first time, like, ever.
Here are all the ads, rated and reviewed as only VentureBeat can.
Most adorable: Ellen for Beats
In this fairy tale-themed spot, comic and talk-show host Ellen DeGeneres makes an appearance as our favorite Goldilocks ever. Also, this spot bags on dubstep, which is something we can totally get behind.
Hold me closer, dorky dancer.
Maybe it's just because we deplore the sewer swill that is Budweiser adult beverage products (we can't even call it beer), but we think this GoDaddy spot took on the trend with much more charm.
Still, we got the chills.
Well played, GoldiBlox.
Oh my god, look at that little kid with robot legs. Or that old guy painting even though he's lost his eyesight. We can't stand the inspiration.
Of course, it's all movie magic. But it's good movie magic. In Danica's words:
"They have done some creative things, but this one was definitely one of the most interesting, I thought. That suit took four hours to get into, between getting it on, which was extremely tight and cut the circulation off to my arms. My hands felt like sausages by the end of it."
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WycoJMKzXZ4&w=1280&h=720]
The very best tech company Super Bowl ad: T-Mobile
We were captivated by this person-free, set-free ad. And it made us yearn to watch Robin Hood again. The Disney version.
Whistle along, compadres: