Nobody has ever accused the horror movie genre of being a fountain of artistic genius. And let’s face it, a pretty high percentage of horror movies are so terrible that it’s often hard to tell whether they are satire or not.
Which means that if you’re like a lot of people, you know the best way to consume them is to watch with a big group of friends and make fun of all the idiotic characters who do stupid clichéd things and wind up with a lawn mower blade in their skull.
Someone at Netflix totally gets this. And they have deftly seized control of the summaries written for horror movies on the video streaming service. The summaries cut right to the heart of the growing silliness that increasingly defines this genre.
As such, please enjoy a few of our favorites:
Cherry Tree Lane, 2010: A knock on the door turns a family dinner into a taste of horror. Should have made reservations instead.
Inside, 2007: A deranged woman enters a pregnant widow’s quiet home. Tonight is about to get way more excruciating than childbirth.
House of Voices, 2004: A new job at a lonely orphanage in the Alps. Mysterious sounds. A single resident who is insane. It’s career change time.
Splinter, 2008: An inexplicable entity gets under your skin, then grows right through it. There’s a term for this: Yikes!
The Chosen, 2015: Something diabolical is inside young Angie. Her relatives must be sacrificed so she can live. Puberty is such a pain.
Piranha, 2010: An earthquake releases prehistoric man-eating fish in a lake full of spring break partiers. The party is so over.
The Devil Inside, 2012: A homicidal woman. Totally insane. Possibly possessed by demonic forces. Let’s just call her mom.
Cockneys vs Zombies, 2012: Bank robbers and splattery zombie attacks just go together. Like peanut butter and jelly, or an old fart with a mallet.
Sinister, 2012: His new house comes with a mystery and a stash of grisly murder footage. Aren’t home movies the worst?
The Faculty, 1998: Your science teacher’s out for blood and sprouting tentacles. Now is probably not the time to bring up your grades.
The Reef, 2010: When your yacht is sinking in shark-infested waters, you have two choices. Unfortunately, neither of them is good.
Vampires Suck, 2010: In a town full of monsters, a girl falls for two wickedly handsome hunks. The prom is gonna be a nightmare.