FAKE GRIMLOCK, everyone’s favorite tech-enthused, all-caps, startup-advising robot dinosaur, walked the CES floor this year and took in the sights. FG didn’t eat any humans this time around, but he’s still willing to take a bite out of startups and companies that aren’t innovative.
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Let’s do this.
VentureBeat: Is CES still important?
FAKE GRIMLOCK: CES LIKE EVERY BIG EVENT. IT IMPORTANT BECAUSE GET RIGHT PERSONS IN SAME PLACE. EVERYTHING ELSE ABOUT IT JUST EXCUSE TO CONVINCE BOSS LET YOU GO.
THIS YEAR STARTUP PEOPLE INFECT CES. THAT ONLY THING SAVE IT FROM DRAGGED DOWN BY OBSOLETE MEMBERS OF OLD WORLD.
VB: What was the best product or service you saw at CES?
FG: MUSE. MOTION CONTROL STUFF CUTTING EDGE. BRAIN CONTROL? THAT FUTURE HAPPENING NOW.
VB: What was the dumbest product you saw?
FG: ROBOT THAT SHOOT MUSIC FROM WEENER.
THAT EXAMPLE OF EVERYTHING WRONG WITH CES. BIG, EXPENSIVE BOOTH FOR TOY ROBOT NO ONE WANT WITH SPEAKER IN PELVIS.
THAT NOT FUTURE. THAT PAST WAKE UP WITH HANGOVER AND VOMIT DUMB IDEAS ONTO PRESENT.
VB: What was the straight-up worst thing you saw at CES, product or otherwise?
FG: ME ACCIDENTALLY SAW QUALCOMM KEYNOTE. THAT PART OF BRAIN NEVER USABLE AGAIN.
VB: What was the biggest trend you saw?
FG: COLONIZATION BY STARTUP WORLD. THIS HARDWARE’S LAMP MOMENT. SOFTWARE EXPLODE WHEN BUILD WORLD-BEATING WEBSITE IN GARAGE BECOME REALITY.
NOW BUILD WORLD-BEATING HARDWARE IN GARAGE REALITY.
THAT WHERE FUTURE BEING MADE. IN SMALL, HARD TO FIND BOOTHS THAT SPEND MONEY ON GETTING THINGS DONE INSTEAD OF PLASTIC WOMEN AND FAKE EXCITEMENT.
VB: Are 4K TVs, one of the biggest “trends” of the show, awesome or overrated?
FG: COMPLETELY BORING. ONLY PEOPLE BUY IT ARE SAME ONES THAT WOULD BUY WHATEVER NEWEST TV IS. IDIOTS WITH MONEY VIABLE DEMOGRAPHIC, BUT IT NOT CHANGE WORLD.
VB: Do you buy into the idea that CES is increasingly becoming a place for startups to get noticed because the big dogs like Apple and Microsoft aren’t there?
FG: ME AGREE WITH IDEA. FUTURE OF CES IS SMALL, CROWD-FUNDED STARTUPS INNOVATE PAST BIG, DUMB COMPANIES. ONLY THING OLD COMPANIES HAVE IS MONEY. CES GOOD PLACE FOR THEM TO GIVE IT TO LITTLE COMPANIES.
VB: Is Samsung hands-down the most important player at CES now?
FG: ONLY BECAUSE THEM WRITE BIG CHECK, AND SHOW LIKE CES NEED SOMEONE STUPID ENOUGH TO WASTE THAT MUCH MONEY TO PRETEND THEM INNOVATIVE.
VB: Who had the best keynote or panel performance? (If you saw any)
FG: ALL OF THEM PRETTY BORING. GUY FROM NEST SAY SOME SMART THINGS ON WHATEVER PANEL HIM WAS ON.
VB: Who had the best booth?
Photo illustration via Sean Ludwig/VentureBeat
Photos via FAKE GRIMLOCK/Twitter