The world clearly has a pretty low regard for itself. Humanity’s self-esteem problems were on stark display yesterday when everyone’s first reaction to Apple’s new wireless headphones was exactly the same:
“I’m totally gonna lose those things.”
"Lost Fucking Immediately" LOL pic.twitter.com/ibjzoyf7Ug
— Sam (@IsuruSam) September 8, 2016
Seriously, people, are we really such bumbling idiots that we can’t hold onto a couple of untethered…
the best way to buy Airpods will be to just pick them up one at a time off the street
— Owen Williams ⚡️ (@ow) September 7, 2016
I mean, we’ve been carrying around change in our pockets for decades, and that’s worked out okay. Well, I guess except for all that change in the couch cushions. And the washing machines. But otherwise…
— J (@julie_lwt) September 7, 2016
This being the internet, the hysteria quickly ran amok, with people demanding solutions to problems they don’t even have yet…
They better introduce a new Find My AirPods app. pic.twitter.com/CiOKI1844n
— Andy Zhu (@TamedToronto) September 8, 2016
And as the fear spread, it mutated into alarm over the greater potential menace posed by AirPods. Like death and general mayhem…
— Ross Buchanan (@rossy) September 7, 2016
And for God’s sake, what about the children? Is anyone thinking about the children?
Kids are gonna choke on those airpods. Trial lawyers are gonna have big cases. CPSC may end up pulling them. https://t.co/t1XSZmVsvb
— Mike Cernovich (@Cernovich) September 8, 2016
In general, the internet was indignant. Whether it was The Guardian calling them in its review: “a tampon without a string.” Or Popular Mechanics venting its fury over the way AirPods would throw the entire universe out of balance:
With completely wireless buds, you’ll not only have to deal with buds that are easy to lose, but you’ll have to deal with them every time you take them out of your ears. Want to take off your headphones and talk to someone for a few minutes? I hope you have fun holding a stray AirPod in your hand, or fishing a loose one out of your pocket a minute later, or have the carrying case on you literally at all times.
And really, why even go on living in that case?
It probably will only inflame the situation to point out that while the cost is $169, no one anywhere is forcing anyone to buy these things or use them.
It is a strange bit of logic that seems to say, I have no choice but to buy a new smartphone without a headphone jack. Which means I have no choice but to buy wireless headphones from Apple. Which means I will lose them. Which will be entirely Apple’s fault.
Lost amid this wailing and gnashing of teeth are the other options. Don’t buy this version of the iPhone. If you do, use the Lightning EarPods that come with the phone. Or use the adapter to continue with other wired headphones. Or buy any of the numerous other options for wireless headphones that are out there.
Some of these options come with an unfortunate side effect: You will have to actually think for yourself and do some research. Like a couple of Google searches.
But I guess I am more optimistic about humanity. I believe we can overcome, collectively, this new threat to our very existence that Apple has thrown at us and triumph over this adversity in the end.
Our future, no doubt, depends on it.